


Cause your crystal ball ain't so crystal clear

by Kealpos



Series: The study of spontaneous human combustion, or, the inverse of loneliness [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: A Deep Heartbreaking Lonliness, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Metafiction, Reckless Use Of The Pesterlog Tool, References to Danny Phantom (2004), Retcon Timeline, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-06
Updated: 2019-11-08
Packaged: 2021-01-24 15:28:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21340480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kealpos/pseuds/Kealpos
Summary: THE AUDIENCE looks around, then tentatively sits down several feet away from her on the couch.JADE: its kind of funnyJADE: there are all these things i have made by peopleJADE: and probably none of them are aliveTHE AUDIENCE: ...JADE: sorryJADE: i misspokeJADE: its not funny at allJADE and THE AUDIENCE watch the TV once more, but neither can focus on the happenings. Finally, JADE sits up, breaking apart from her blanket cocoon.
Relationships: Jade Harley & The Audience
Series: The study of spontaneous human combustion, or, the inverse of loneliness [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1542067
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	1. Bitter Reunions

[ACT ONE]

SETTING: A large, airy room. There is a lofty bed set against one side of a wall, its ornate design reaching up and towering over the mattress like tangled roots. There is a shimmery, almost translucent green cloth that cascades off the top. It looks like a canopy bed out of a fairytale. Someone must have put a lot of love into creating it. Next to it in several piles are mounds of different things, strewn about and mixed together like a known incestuous slurry. Except that sounds really, really gross so nothing like that at all. There are magnificent SQUIDDLES of every size and shape, pieces of CLOTHING, DOGGY TOYS, and a couple of necessary FOOD-CREATING DEVICES. Off in a corner, in a much neater pile than anything else in the room, is a group of carefully rolled up YARN, hand-made in all types of color and material. A single POSTER is pasted above the bed. It features four young figures, all around twelve or thirteen in age. It's four selfies, catalogued together as if to create a facsimile that they were all supposed to be like that. Of the four figures, there are two boys and two girls. One of the girls has curly blonde hair, and incredibly smudged make-up, like she isn't quite sure how to wear it and there's nobody in her life to teach her properly, but God if she will not make a good attempt. The boy in the picture next to her, also with curly blonde hair, wears oversized sunglasses that are not triangles, and though something in you would lead you to believe that he isn't in the favor of emoting, he's giving a huge, albeit shaky, grin, plus, someone has drawn a great big green heart next to him in typical school-girl-crush fashion. The next boy down has shaggy black hair and huge, dorky spectacles like a normal twelve-year-old boy, but there looks to be some great powerful twinkle in his eyes. The girl next to him... Well...

AT RISE: There is a deep silence as we stare at the room, analyzing the poster in great length. In the distance, suddenly, we hear thumping come closer to us. Then:

???: i cant stand it!! i know you planned it!! imma set it straight, this watergate!!!

THE FIGURE barrels into the room, jumping wildly as they sing SABOTAGE BY THE BEASTIE BOYS at the top of their lungs. Their hair is flying so quickly in front of their face, it's hard to make out who it is. While we were busy thinking this, THE FIGURE has gone through several more lines, and is finally at the titular end.

???: what could it be, its a mirage!! youre scheming on a thing thats SABOTAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE FIGURE shouts this as loud as they can, before throwing themselves back in the direction of THE BED, though they are several feet away, and definitely not in the range to be throwing themselves towards the bed like this. THE AUDIENCE watches with bated breath for the inevitable downfall of THE FIGURE, but it never seems to come. Instead, THE FIGURE floats over to the bed and settles comfortably. THE AUDIENCE sighs in relief. One particular bastard grumbles that they didn't see THE FIGURE hit their head.

When THE FIGURE lands, their hair falls out of their face to reveal their identity. It is: JADE HARLEY!!! One of the mysterious girls in the poster. JADE HARLEY has black curly hair, matted in a way that you can tell it hasn't been properly brushed in some time. She is wearing large oval glasses, and has two white dog ears sticking out from her head. She has earbuds stuck inside her ears, the regular human ones, and she giggles as the last of the song plays out. 

JADE: haha yay!!!!!!!  
JADE: i feel better already

JADE pulls her earbuds out and then settles against the bed, closing her eyes and grinning up at the ceiling like nothing is wrong in the world. This happiness lasts several seconds, before JADE opens her eyes and frowns. She rolls over onto her side, then rolls to her other side. Finally, she rolls back into her original position, spread starfish on the bed with a great big grimace on her face.

JADE: ugh!!!!!  
JADE: it still feels so lonely and quiet in here!!!  
JADE: grrr, stupid dave!!

JADE pulls up her electronic device that was previously playing her music, and pulls up a chat window, riddled with green text, all unsent due to no service. She scrolls up furiously with quick fingers, and though it takes some time, we eventually see red come and take its place on the screen. Eventually, she comes to a stopping point and growls unhappily at a barrage of red text.

JADE: he totally lied to me

She sighs, and begins to read the chat again, to see if she missed anything the first hundred times she read it.

DAVE (voice-over): oh thats a weird question  
DAVE (voice-over): uh i dunno harley  
DAVE (voice-over): i guess something i like to do when im feeling lonely is  
DAVE (voice-over): well i mean im usually mostly alone for this technique  
DAVE (voice-over): lonely and alone are different things  
DAVE (voice-over): you gotta be ALONE alone for this shit  
DAVE (voice-over): i only do it when my bros on one of his like month long trips  
DAVE (voice-over): he probably wouldnt care if i did it while he was here but i havent checked  
DAVE (voice-over): but i do it whenever hes out for a long time doing god knows what i just know he takes cal with him  
DAVE (voice-over): is he doing music is he filming pornos im not sure but i dont think i want to search up his name either way  
DAVE (voice-over): not like i know his first name  
DAVE (voice-over): ...  
DAVE (voice-over): i had a point  
DAVE (voice-over): oh right when im alone  
DAVE (voice-over): i blast shitty rock music and scream along to it  
DAVE (voice-over): disturb the silence give the neighbors a 24/7 fucking show you should see the amount of ladies that line up knocking at my door to get a glimpse at the rockstar dj strider throwing their bras at me naming their fucking first borns and shit in my honor

DAVE proceeded to go on like that for a really long time, but that was the end of his advice. JADE growls. She had followed all of his advice!! 

JADE (speaking as she types into the chat bar): dave!!! your advice stinks!!! why would you lie to me!!!

JADE hits send on the message to DAVE, and waits for a second as it pends, before finally failing to reach him. She brings her hands and phone to her chest in a great heaving sigh, and sits there, stewing in her unhappiness. It's been like this for some time, you can tell.

She lays there for several minutes, stretching out in twitchy fingers and little howling whines. JADE sniffles once, then sits up suddenly, throwing her legs over the edge of the bed. She shambles up, floating several inches off the ground as she moves through her room and out the door. 

THE AUDIENCE follows close behind, watching in rapt attention. As JADE floats on by through the hallways, we see several CONSORTS talk nonsensically at her. JADE ignores them, staring dead-eyed ahead. 

JADE and THE AUDIENCE pass several things as they go along, the CONSORTS included. JADE ignores the CARAPACIANS toddling around, and only growls lowly at a pink CATSPRITE.

??? (from the kitchen): hoo hoo hoo hoo!

JADE ignores the laughter and the smell of baking coming from the kitchen. THE AUDIENCE stares briefly in to see NANNASPRITE baking a comically large cake. THE AUDIENCE would like to stay, but JADE is already moving on, so they reluctantly follow.

Finally, they come to a large open room, separated from the deck by a single door. JADE stops just behind the seating and stares at the set-up they've got there. There's a large pile of incredibly soft SQUIDDLES, and next to it, a GAMING CHAIR. A large, flickering screen sits in front of them, though there isn't anything on it but electric black. There is a fine layer of dust on both the squiddles and the chair. Jade sniffles loudly. She looks like she's going to cry. THE AUDIENCE would like nothing more than to reach out and comfort her, but they're pretty sure they're intangible, so that isn't exactly possible right now. JADE and THE AUDIENCE stand in silence, staring at the items that no rational being could possibly assign context to.

JADE: am i just meant to suffer?

THE AUDIENCE looks sharply over to her. She is looking at the ground, her eyes closed tight. Her hands are curled into fists. 

JADE: why are you here?  
JADE: to torture me?  
JADE: oh, come look at the loneliest girl in the world! super fun!!  
THE AUDIENCE: Are you talking to me?

JADE whirls around to face THE AUDIENCE, suddenly furious and red in the face.

JADE: of course im talking to you!!!!!!!!! who else could i POSSIBLY be talking to!!!!!!!!!!!  
JADE: youve been following me around for like, half an hour!!!  
JADE: thats pretty noticeable!!!  
THE AUDIENCE: Are... Are you okay?  
JADE: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
JADE: STOP FOLLOWING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
JADE: and!!!!!!! DONT MESS WITH MY STUFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
THE AUDIENCE: I haven't, I-  
JADE: no, but you wanted to, didnt you?  
THE AUDIENCE (staring at the dusty chair and squiddles): ....Yeah.  
JADE: thats what i thought  
JADE: just leave me alone

JADE runs off outside, slamming the door behind her. THE AUDIENCE is left terribly, terribly alone. They look around at the CARAPICIANS and CONSORTS and SPRITES and realize, however intriguing they may be at first glance, THE AUDIENCE doesn't think they'd be enjoyable to be around for any longer than maybe a few months, and even then, only with another person to help buffer everything.

The room is silent.

END OF ACT ONE


	2. The Fenton Menace

[ACT TWO]

SETTING: A dark room, with a large purple couch in the middle, with an even larger television set in front of it, covered in colorful blankets and failed knitting attempts and dog hair.

AT RISE: A figure, JADE HARLEY, is huddled up on the couch, curled up under several heavy blankets. She is alone, and she is watching DANNY PHANTOM, BELOVED 2004 NICKELODEON CARTOON.

VALERIE GRAY (on-screen): -urprised you care. You guys don't like me very much, do you?  
SAM MANSON (on-screen): We don't know you very much. And honestly, you used to be pretty mean to us. You think we're just gonna start hanging out with you without wondering what you want? And where you got that ring?  
VALERIE GRAY (on-screen): That officially falls under the category of none of your business.  
DANNY FENTON (on-screen): Hey, guys!

THE AUDIENCE watches attentively. This is intriguing.

JADE: its good, isnt it

THE AUDIENCE looks over at JADE, who's staring straight at the TV as it continues to play. Her speaking aloud is the only evidence that she is speaking to THE AUDIENCE.

JADE: it ended in two thousand and seven  
JADE: the third season was kind of bad  
JADE: i wonder if they wouldve ever made another season or something if the creators had survived

THE AUDIENCE looks around, then tentatively sits down several feet away from her on the couch.

JADE: its kind of funny  
JADE: there are all these things i have made by people  
JADE: and probably none of them are alive  
THE AUDIENCE: ...  
JADE: sorry  
JADE: i misspoke  
JADE: its not funny at all

JADE and THE AUDIENCE watch the TV once more, but neither can focus on the happenings. Finally, JADE sits up, breaking apart from her blanket cocoon. 

JADE: its just... so horrendously unfair  
JADE: theyre dead and im alive and i guess i should be grateful for that  
JADE: but im not!  
JADE: it just makes me feel shitty!  
JADE: is it so bad to be upset that all the people in your entire world are dead??  
JADE: i mean... i guess me, john, rose, and dave survived  
JADE: at least for a little bit  
JADE: john... he...

JADE sighs.

JADE: and i think dave and rose are okay, wherever they are  
JADE: i only had davesprite  
JADE (bitterly): look how that fucking turned out  
THE AUDIENCE: Are you alright?  
JADE: of course. why wouldnt i be?  
THE AUDIENCE: Is that sarcasm?  
JADE: yeah. you couldnt tell?  
THE AUDIENCE: No. You didn't have (sarcastically) in the dialogue directions.  
JADE: ....

JADE is silent for a few seconds, and pauses the screen.

JADE (gesturing with her hands): it feels like life is one big stupid story where im supposed to face trial and tribulation and then be all HAPPY at the end cuz yay!! i faced the horrors of the unknown and the grief and i survived!

Her hands fall flat next to her.

JADE: maybe when i was thirteen i wouldve believed that  
JADE: but im not a little kid anymore  
JADE (sniffling): im just...

THE AUDIENCE turns and looks at her carefully, and notices that JADE is crying. She tries to wipe the tears away with her sleeves, but they're coming too fast for her to stop.

JADE: im sorry!!  
JADE: im sorry i yelled at you last time!!  
JADE: ive gone so long without talking to anybody ive lost all my manners, haha 

JADE'S voice cracks, and she holds on for a singular torturous moment before beginning to sob into her hands. It's not loud. It's purposefully not loud, as if she's trying to keep herself as silent as possible.

THE AUDIENCE: ....  
THE AUDIENCE: If you can see me and talk to me, and I can sit down on this couch...

THE AUDIENCE scoots over to JADE, and slowly wraps her in a hug. JADE freezes for a second, tears streaming down her face.

JADE: what are you doing?  
THE AUDIENCE: I dunno. Roll with it.

They are both silent for a long time, the only noise available in the dark room with a paused television screen being JADE'S sad little sniffles. Finally:

JADE: its the one year anniversary of johns death  
JADE: he always said he wanted to watch this stupid show  
JADE: but he never got the chance

JADE buries her face in THE AUDIENCE'S shoulder.

JADE: so many people dead  
JADE: i hate ghost stories!!!!!!!  
JADE: i hate them i hate them i hate them!!!!!!!!!!

DANNY PHANTOM'S notoriously ghostly face stares at JADE and THE AUDIENCE from the television screen.

THE AUDIENCE: ...  
THE AUDIENCE: You wanna watch the rest of this with me?  
JADE: ....  
JADE (quietly, almost silently): yeah, okay

THE AUDIENCE unpauses the show.

END OF ACT TWO


	3. Phantom Planet

[ACT 3]

SETTING: The edge of a balcony. It's shining golden and the vast expanse of terrible, glitching space stares back at you.

AT RISE: Our hero, our friend, JADE HARLEY, balancing on the edge. Her skirt ripples in the breeze.

JADE: i cant die, you know  
JADE: ive tried  
THE AUDIENCE: What!?  
JADE: i would say something like  
JADE: oh not like that!!!!  
JADE: but then id be lying

JADE turns around and looks at THE AUDIENCE with wild eyes.

JADE: i cant die unless my death is heroic or just  
JADE: it was just natural boredom and curiosity  
JADE: im a SCIENTIST for christs sake!!!!  
JADE: i HAD to test it!!!  
THE AUDIENCE: You... really didn't.  
JADE: ....  
JADE: no, i really didnt

JADE turns back around and sits at the edge. THE AUDIENCE moves forwards and joins her.

JADE: it didnt make me feel any better, waking up  
JADE: i was just as alone  
JADE: i REALLY want to see my friends again in the dream bubbles  
JADE: i thought it would be quicker than doing my time

JADE laughs, all brittle and broken.

JADE: doing my time  
JADE: it makes me sound like a criminal  
JADE: jade harley, dark deep evil doer!! the crime is wanting to be with her friends!!!  
JADE (quietly): i guess im just a bad person for thinking all this game shit is stupid  
JADE: all my life i thought it was going to be this great big magic of friendship shonen anime adventure  
JADE: the clouds only gave me the cool parts  
JADE: i didnt know it would be this sad or boring :/  
JADE: i never wouldve played otherwise  
JADE: or maybe i would have, i dunno  
JADE: dying with the rest of civilisation vs this

JADE stares at her hands.

JADE: i have no idea what i would choose to do now

THE AUDIENCE looks out into the looming expanse.

THE AUDIENCE: So, Space is your aspect?  
JADE: yep  
JADE: witch of space at your service!  
JADE: im supposed to be all powerful, and i guess piloting this big dumb ship is powerful enough to be worthy of my powers...

JADE giggles, but only for a moment. It drops right back into sad and weary exhaustion.

JADE: but it just kind of feels like im being shelved  
JADE: i should be able to do something better than this, right??  
JADE: why cant i get all my friends in one place  
JADE: in one piece  
JADE: i couldve teleported them over or i couldve teleported me and john and davesprite over  
JADE: haha it wouldve been funny to see daves face, he doesnt like davesprite for some reason  
JADE: maybe if they had more things and people to be around, john and davesprite wouldnt have wanted to visit the planets as much so they wouldnt have been there when it suddenly cracked  
JADE: or maybe EVERYONE wouldve been on the planet when it cracked  
JADE: ...  
JADE: im just being a bummer again

JADE leans against THE AUDIENCE and rests her head on their shoulder.

JADE: our journey is coming to an end  
JADE: i might not see you again  
THE AUDIENCE: I won't forget you.  
JADE: ...  
JADE: i read this story once about this dog  
JADE: her name was laika  
JADE: with a pounding heart and rapid breath, laika rode a rocket into earth orbit two thousand miles above moscow streets she knew  
JADE: overheated cramped frightened and probably hungry  
JADE: the space dog gave her life for her country involuntarily fulfilling a canine suicide mission

JADE begins to cry.

JADE: i was only eight years old when i first read about her  
JADE: i cried for hours  
JADE: even bec couldnt comfort me, haha!!  
JADE: well  
JADE: here she is  
JADE: laika  
JADE: mankinds final human sacrifice  
JADE: involuntary suicide for her, kept from committing suicide for me  
THE AUDIENCE: ...

JADE looks at THE AUDIENCE and grins, tears streaming down her face.

JADE: remember me sputnik!!!

She laughs breathlessly. The scene quickly begins to fade to black, and THE AUDIENCE looks around frantically.

THE AUDIENCE: Jade, what's happening?  
JADE: i dont know  
JADE: i just know i have to do it alone  
THE AUDIENCE: Jade.  
JADE: yes?  
THE AUDIENCE: I.. I wish you the best of.. I...  
THE AUDIENCE: ...  
THE AUDIENCE: Good luck.  
THE AUDIENCE: You'll need it.

BLACKOUT

END OF ACT 3

END OF PLAY

**Author's Note:**

> all chapters written!!!! will be posting every two days. its only three chapters so thats like four days but whatever!
> 
> tumblr is transannabeths!!! check out my [jade playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1ZxiWb3gkVLLURsQMA0Opa)
> 
> also, just cuz im dumb, the chapter amount and titles r very purposeful. jade was formally introduced in act three, she was on the ship for three years, and there were three seasons of danny phantom. fumny how life works out isnt it


End file.
